You Can't Go Home Again

   I used to think the quote "You can't go home again" was just utterly ridiculous.  I have heard this at various times and places and would always think to myself "Nonsense!!  Of course you can go home again!!"

     Well, I finally get it and let me be the one to tell you the cold, hard truth:   You really can't go home again.  It isn't there anymore.  Even if you never left "home," it still isn't there. 

     Home is generally what we think of as the place where we (a) grew up or (b) spent a period of time when we were most comfortable or had the most awesome experiences of our lives.   If you are in that sweet spot right now, you don't know it and you aren't going to realize it until it is over, and by then, the moment is lost forever.  Later, when it's too late to scramble back, and when things aren't so swell, you're going to think "Gosh, that was the best time of my life, I really had it made then!"  

     Think about it for a few minutes.  Pinpoint the best time of your life.  The period that you wouldn't mind repeating if you were given the opportunity.  . . . . . got one?  Now, ask yourself, "Did I realize how awesome that period was when I was busy living it?"  Obviously you did not, because you moved on.  But now, looking back, you wonder what ever possessed you to go on to the next phase.  Right about now, you are probably realizing, with complete horror, that you were batshit crazy to have ever moved on to the next part of your life when you had it so good.

      You can also apply this quote in the most literal sense, as in the place where you grew up.  If you were a lucky kid, home was safe and comfy.  Often, as adults overburdened with countless responsibilities, or as we move into old age, we long to return to that safe, comfy place.  We have an image in our mind of what it was like and we expect that if we could just return, it would be exactly the same as when we left it.  

       Let me be the one to destroy your yearning for the past:  "Home" is not going to be the same.  People have changed, scenery probably has too.  Old buildings are gone, new ones are in their places, neighborhoods become dilapidated or rejuvenated.  Storms, fires, humans and other forces have removed bits and pieces of the basis for your perfect memory until it's just no longer tangible.   The memory is all you have left.   You can't get back to whatever helped form those memories. 

     So, I guess the point here is, try to look around at whatever you may have going on in your life.  Try your hardest to avoid stressing over the inconsequential garbage and savor whatever you can find that is good, happy and comfortable about the here and now.  

      After all, you're going to need those good memories to help you define your new "home" the next time you discover that the old one has vanished and is no longer accessible by any means other than your imagination.  

Am I There Yet?

Note from Goldie:  I wrote this about a year ago and never published it.  I have no idea why I didn't.   It seems to be a common theme for me this time of year, as the post I've just completed has a similar theme.     

I've been on a long hiatus from writing again.  Just haven't been in the mood to share any thoughts, although there have been plenty floating around in my head.  I've been spending the months since the anniversary date doing anything and everything that doesn't amount to wasting my time thinking about my former life and events that ended it.  Am I there yet?  No.  

     But I am getting closer.  I no longer waste much time and energy thinking about what happened, how I got here, what is going on at XYZ Elementary, and most of all, why things are what they are in general.   No one can tell me I mattered, because I haven't heard a word from anyone in the administration, or school board, and that silence alone speaks volumes.   I have not reached out to anyone either because it's just better this way.  Just way too awkward on both sides. 

     Do people think I'm crazy?  The people who really know me, no.  People who think they know me, maybe.  Anyone else on the outside, probably. Do I really care what anyone thinks?  No.  

     The main thing that pisses me off at this point are the effects with which I am left:  extreme sensitivity to noise and movement being number one right now.  Generally, I can't stand being in a room with more than one other person.  I can't stand sudden loud noises like my husband's over-dramatized sneezing. Or banging cabinet doors and clattering dishes.  Or being hammered with a series of insignificant questions upon either one of us returning to the house. Or conversations between my son & husband going on with the television or radio on at the same time.  Just regular everyday stuff that used to be no problem.  I can get physically ill or reach a point of extreme irritation and rage if I do not remove myself from those situations before it pushes me beyond my limit.  It can take me anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days to recover.  I know it's not normal, but neither is the PTSD that has caused it.  I just do what I gotta do, get out of the area, pop in some earplugs and ride it out.  To my knowledge, my husband and son have no idea how I am affected by these things and I'm not telling them, because it's my problem, not theirs.   

     Why am I telling anyone this, or writing about it?  Because I want to raise awareness for other people.  I had no idea that these kinds of side effects were part if the whole PTSD thing.  Now that I know about this one, I wonder what else there might be that I have been lucky enough to have avoided experiencing so far.  I refuse to research it, because I do not wish to give my subconscious any ideas. However, I think I am a much more compassionate person by having an awareness, and maybe if I share it with others, they might choose to be a little more kind toward others as a result.  You really never know what another person may be going through in his or her life, and I don't think it would kill any of us to just try to be a little more patient and less in a hurry to spout off whatever ugliness might be going on in our heads when we are dealing with people who may not meet our expectations.  

       So, there it is.  It's your choice how you choose to react to others.  You can be kind, you can be mean, you can avoid.  Whatever you choose, I hope you'll take the time to consider how your choice may impact those around you.