Deep Summer

     

In my part of the country, it's already well into a time of year I think of as "deep summer."  The leaves have all gone from their joyous shades of green to a spent-looking black emerald.  The flowers, although still mostly brilliant, are showing signs of fading to more muted, classy colors of autumn.  The nearby crops are nearing their peak of perfection, anticipating the harvest that is soon to come.  Whitetail deer are running rampant, seemingly eager to jump in front of any vehicle moving at a high velocity.   Below-average overnight temperatures are leaving behind thick morning fog that cloaks the emerald hillsides in a downy mist. 

     The color of the sky changes to a more brilliant blue, accessorized by full, puffy white clouds. Even the sun seems to be taking a slightly more southerly track across the sky.  Canadian Geese are beginning to put on their annual show, forming themselves into the familiar accent marks, pointing the way toward life-sustaining warmth.  Summer is dying a little more as each day passes, gently escorting us to the next season. 

     Although I may have noticed bits and pieces of these changes in previous years, I have never really had the opportunity to fully enjoy noticing them all together.  I've always been busy being either a student or teacher since the age of 4.  It's amazing to me how all of these changes go on right in front of us, yet we never really think much of it.  It just happens and the next thing we know, we are putting on coats, hats, scarves, gloves and boots, trudging out into biting cold winds and the occasional snowfall.

    In autumn, we enjoy the leaves changing colors and falling off the trees, of course.  But the more subtle changes come and go without being observed by most of us.  When exactly did the sound of singing birds get replaced by the humming of insects?  When did the brittle brown start to take over the succulent green on the cornstalks?  When did the nighttime haze in the sky start to erode away, leaving behind highly polished, brilliant stars?  All of these changes happen, like clockwork, every year.  Sometimes a little earlier, sometimes a little later, but they always happen. 

     It's a magical thing, really.  I'm thankful I get to notice and appreciate all of these changes this year.  At the same time, it makes me realize there is so much more I take for granted.  But I'm not going to dwell on what I might be missing.  It's best to just go through the coming months and years with a heightened awareness and enjoy the new revelations as they come to me. 

"On Quitting"

The link below sums it up pretty well.  It expresses the courage needed to face the heartbreak of quitting something you love.  Doing what's best is not always what feels good.  It can be a challenge emotionally, financially and socially.

Please take the time to read the poem.

On Quitting by Edgar Albert Guest : The Poetry Foundation

Selfish Solitude

Yesterday's message at church was about selfishness. I won't get into the actual message itself, but I will tell you what it made me think about.

First, I started thinking about how one person's selfish narcissism helped to drive me from a career that I worked hard for and cared about.  Of course, I kmow, ultimately, the decision not to fight to hold onto that career was mine and mine alone.  I knew I could no longer be an effective teacher in that environment and, really, why would I want to?

I've come a long way in the past 7 months.  It's really only by the grace of God that I am even still here.  I have been blessed with a supportive family, true friends, a fantastic church family and incredible medical professionals who went above and beyond any expectations I would have had to get me through the really bad stuff.  Most of all, I had an inexplicable peace about the outcome of my situation. 

I have had nothing to rely upon but faith many times over the past 7 months.  I don't know why or how, but my family has been provided for without fail.

With that being said, I have reached a point of forgiveness.  It became a whole lot easier once I figured out what granting forgiveness does and doesn't require of me.  Also, I had to figure out that any expectations I have of other people regarding their behaviors or reactions are really unreasonable on my part.  No expectations=no disappointment=no anger.  Pretty simple, but difficult to really do while you feel like you are fighting for simple survival.

So back to selfishness.  Everyone has it to one degree or another.  As I suddenly realized where I am in my life and wonder what happened to land myself here, I started remembering those first few weeks I spent not working.  I remember how I thought to myself "Everyone else looks out for number one, so from now on, I'm doing the same!"

I knew that wasn't realistic for me to sustain forever, but I had to make a conscious decision to just take care of me.  I am still there for now, although I have tried to toss it out the window a few times.  

No matter how much we like to think that we are not selfish, we all have a little piece of ourselves that we need to preserve. It takes on different forms for all of us, but it is there.  For some people it is money, power, or time or any number of other things. 

For me, I think it is solitude. I like my time alone.  To not feel pressured to act a certain way or have to say anything to another person.  This probably comes from a lifetime of approval-seeking, and I've finally found that to be exhausting.  

Someday I may try to break out of my selfish habit of trying to be alone most of the time. For now, I just don't have it in me to fight it. I need to learn ways to make it less taxing on myself first, like learning to not care so much about what other people may think of me.  I think as I get older, I am slowly gaining an attitude of "So what?".  I just wish I could flip a switch and be there.  

I'm sure I have many other areas in which I am selfish.  This is likely just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. But I've got to stick with one battle at a time. 

Ch, ch, ch, changes!

13 days until school starts in XYZ school district. So far, I've survived a lot of "firsts" since January.  First class picture day I've missed in 19 years, first parent-teacher conferences I've missed, first class party I've missed, first last day . . .you get the idea.  

On August 20, which is in 13 more days,  it will be the first 1st day of a new school year I have missed.  In 20 years. This will be the only year I will pay attention to that.  Only paying attention now because it is the first. 

So, whatever shall I do on that day?   I haven't quite nailed it down yet, but I think it's going to involve being on a beach at sunrise.  

I will admit, for awhile I would get sad thinking about what I've left behind. Even though it wasn't really a choice.  But once I realized that the career I lost wasn't really the same occupation anymore, it helped me to figure out that I might as well celebrate it.  I might as well allow myself to get tangled up in the silver lining of this cloud and enjoy the blessing, in spite of the disguise it was wearing.  Some days this is easier than others, but it's coming along. 

One thing I'm really grateful for is that I won't be a witness to 7 year old kids experiencing test anxiety.   My final year was the first time I ever saw students that young have such a visible reaction at test time.  What was different than the previous 18 years?  I have some ideas, but that's a whole other bucket of worms. 

Another thing I'm grateful for is just having time to process thoughts.  Elementary teachers don't really have that luxury.  They have to be "on" from the time school starts until those buses leave at the end of the day.  Constantly "entertaining" to keep students engaged, while also juggling individual student needs.  Not just academic needs, but also physical, social, and emotional needs.  You gotta try to soothe hurt feelings and boo-boos, reassure Susie that everything's ok even though mom is in jail, give the foster kids extra encouragement, try to give equal attention to the needy, yet not ignore the independent students.  All of these tasks (and more) are done concurrently. 

Teachers do this crazy balancing act for mostly one reason:  they like helping children learn.  The job has intrinsic rewards for those who are there for the right reasons.  

However, the changes that are taking place in education across the United States are eroding the teacher's ability to really teach.  I guess someone somewhere thought the whole learning process can be "mechanized" in a sense.  A lot of other people apparently bought into this idea, although I doubt any if them were real teachers. 

This mechanization idea involves testing kids to make sure they've learned specific standards, tracking progress through data collection and analysis, and making adjustments to future instruction to improve areas of weakness.

Well, that makes sense.  In theory and to a certain point. But then, someone got the bright idea that we could apply this practice to every subject and every test.  That doesn't sound so bad.  Except for one forgotten detail:  kids need more from school than just learning what is listed in the curriculum.  Kids are PEOPLE, not widgets.  Schools are not factories.  We are trying to apply quality control measures to living, thinking, still-developing people.  

Quality control is a great thing if you are producing ice cream or automotive parts: If you get less-than-satisfactory ingredients, you can find a better vendor and then all is well with your final product.  This doesn't work so well in a school setting.  You can't just send faulty ingredients back and demand better from the suppliers.  

If you don't believe me, just try it - tell Mr. & Mrs. Johnson that Johnny just isn't up to par and they'll need to produce a better person if they wish to be considered as student suppliers in the future.  

This is why my chosen profession no longer exists;  schools are expected to find a way to make all children develop and learn the same things at the same times and prove that this forced maturity is being achieved. Of course teachers and schools strive to do their best and prepare students, but is it realistic to think that children coming into school with varying abilities, talents, and home lives are going to hit the same learning benchmarks at the same time?  Talk about pressure!!

So, yeah, things have changed. The concept of teaching and learning that I grew up with no longer exists.  I'm sure many of my colleagues will adapt, some will crack under the pressure and be forced out, and others will just eventually draw the line and decide its no longer rewarding to keep trying to do the impossible.  

All I know is, I am where I need to be and it's not such a bad place.  

Royal Babywatch

Well, the Royal Babywatch drama is behind us and I, for one, am quite relieved that there is now a male heir available to Great Britain.  

Personally, I'm pretty sure the little guy was born weeks ago and Kate has just been working out like a fiend ever since to spare us all the media's next planned drawn-out Royal saga called "figure watch."  You know how they did poor Diana for weeks after Will was born. 

Good thinking, Will & Kate!  Stay ahead of those ruthless story hounds.  

Anyway, I'm pretty sure all those Catholic Cardinal guys were way ahead of the game, too.  It seems like this year's Popewatch didn't last nearly as long as the one in 2005.  Granted, these dudes had some warning this time, since no one had to die before choosing a successor.  I was planning for weeks of watching the smoke curl up out of the little Vatican chimney, trying to discern the actual color of it before getting the official word from the man on the street.  Luckily, most of this broo-ha-ha was avoided and it was all over in a matter of a couple days. 

I'm bettin' with all the technology today, the Cardinals discovered it was much easier to do a google survey ahead of time from their own little part of the globe, then meet on the appointed date for some good-natured Bingo games in the Sistine Chapel basement. 

 Catholic folks:  I mean no offense, and I know you've got a good sense of humor, so don't take it personally.

If this isn't how it was, I think it would have been an awesome approach:  The world gets their bit of theatrical suspense, a new Pope is selected, the Cardinals get to fellowship for a few days of retreat in Vatican City, no harm done. 

I'm not sure what the next "watch" will be, but I'm pretty sure there are some media blitz geniuses working on it at this very moment. 

Stay tuned . . . .